(Posted by Ed Vander Voort)
Often, what starts out as a simple disagreement can quickly escalate into something bigger. Our frustration level rises and perhaps even turns to anger as we try so hard to make our point. We may feel that the other person just isn’t listening but we’re certain they are not understanding and we try even harder to make our point. One of the problems with this dynamic is the other person, often a spouse or someone else close to us is getting just as frustrated because they are doing the same thing. This results in hurt feelings which then get in the way of our seeing the good in that other person.
St Francis offers us a different way. In the middle of the famous prayer named for him, St. Francis asks God to grant that he seek to understand rather than to be understood. If in our disputes we would first seek to understand the other person, even when it’s difficult, we are no long in an antagonistic mode. We try to find what is good in what they are saying and recognize that our way of seeing a situation is certainly not the only way.
When we seek first to understand, we allow ourselves to empathize with that person, to see a situation through their eyes. This, then, puts us in a position where we may feel what that person is feeling. If it is pain or frustration or grief, we can feel it as well. Then we are in the ideal position of being able to console them. Wouldn’t it be a welcome change in many of our relationships if what first starts out as a disagreement, quickly develops into an act of compassion. This is why St Francis begins this portion of the prayer with the words “Oh Divine Master, Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console”. If our focus is on what is good for the other person and not so much what we desire for ourselves, we begin living the Christ like life.
Finally, St Francis ends this portion of the prayer with his desire to love rather than seeking to be loved. How often have we said “If you loved me, you would (fill in the blank)”. But Jesus does not teach us to live our lives in such a way that people will love us. He says the greatest commandment is to “love the Lord, your God with all your heart, and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the greatest and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself”. (Matt 22:37-39). We are called to people who love, love our God, love your neighbor even love your enemies. This is accomplished much easier when we first seek to understand and to console. When we take the focus off of ourselves by realizing that it is not about us, then we can begin to see the good in others.
Often, what starts out as a simple disagreement can quickly escalate into something bigger. Our frustration level rises and perhaps even turns to anger as we try so hard to make our point. We may feel that the other person just isn’t listening but we’re certain they are not understanding and we try even harder to make our point. One of the problems with this dynamic is the other person, often a spouse or someone else close to us is getting just as frustrated because they are doing the same thing. This results in hurt feelings which then get in the way of our seeing the good in that other person.
St Francis offers us a different way. In the middle of the famous prayer named for him, St. Francis asks God to grant that he seek to understand rather than to be understood. If in our disputes we would first seek to understand the other person, even when it’s difficult, we are no long in an antagonistic mode. We try to find what is good in what they are saying and recognize that our way of seeing a situation is certainly not the only way.
When we seek first to understand, we allow ourselves to empathize with that person, to see a situation through their eyes. This, then, puts us in a position where we may feel what that person is feeling. If it is pain or frustration or grief, we can feel it as well. Then we are in the ideal position of being able to console them. Wouldn’t it be a welcome change in many of our relationships if what first starts out as a disagreement, quickly develops into an act of compassion. This is why St Francis begins this portion of the prayer with the words “Oh Divine Master, Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console”. If our focus is on what is good for the other person and not so much what we desire for ourselves, we begin living the Christ like life.
Finally, St Francis ends this portion of the prayer with his desire to love rather than seeking to be loved. How often have we said “If you loved me, you would (fill in the blank)”. But Jesus does not teach us to live our lives in such a way that people will love us. He says the greatest commandment is to “love the Lord, your God with all your heart, and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the greatest and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself”. (Matt 22:37-39). We are called to people who love, love our God, love your neighbor even love your enemies. This is accomplished much easier when we first seek to understand and to console. When we take the focus off of ourselves by realizing that it is not about us, then we can begin to see the good in others.